You know you're pregnant when you find yourself sitting alone in your kitchen at 4 in the morning, eating ice cream straight out of the carton and weeping. Not a pretty picture.
My sister refers to this state of being as "hormotional," and let me tell you, it's not pleasant. I did have a pretty good reason though; I heard that an old high school friend of mine gave birth to a stillborn baby last week.
Tragedies like these leave me swirling in a vile gumbo of emotions: heartsick for my old friend, reliving the awfulness of Rose's birth, terrified for Bumbo and just generally pissed off at the universe - hence the sleepless/ice cream/weeping combo.
My sisters have calmed me somewhat with their sagacity: I'm healthy and so is Bumbo, my friend's sad experience is not some cosmic sign that something bad is going to happen to me. D has also helped me by saying, simply, that he is there for me, no matter what happens. These are all things that I know and try to reassure myself with, but it still helps to hear them spoken out loud.
I wrote my friend a letter today (and went through half a box of Kleenex) to try and tell her how sorry I am; if there is one thing I'm grateful for after having had Rose, it's the increase in compassion I now have for others who may be going through something similar. Pregnancies, children - I'll never take either for granted again.
As mad as I am at God right now, I cling to the hope that someday these things will make sense to me. There's gotta be a reason. And until I figure it out, there's always Haagen-Daaz.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
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4 comments:
Oh, Kim. I am terribly sorry to hear about your friend's little one,
I'm sending prayers her way.
Listen to your sisters and D and try not to fret (no doubt easier said than done); little Bumbo will be on the outside keeping you up all hours of the night before you know it. :)
Thinking of you
Jaime xxb
Well, now, don't I feel special being almost quoted along with The Bible--and first, too.
Seriously, though, you're right about how frustrating and helpless and mad and scared and insecure tragedies like that make us feel. And you're also right that it makes us more compassionate when we experience tragedy ourselves.
We all have our paths. We all have heartbreak. Not being able to ease another's is so difficult, but our thoughts and love do help them get through it.
I have a simple, black and white picture of a little girl jumping in a puddle with the words: And then, when we think we will never smile again, Life comes back. Just remember that.
love ya, sistah xxx
I'm mad at God, too, and I don't know why it had to happen to her, or to you, or, selfishly, to me.
My Auntie Barb has always reassured me that God has a plan and we just don't know or understand it yet.
I have a good feeling about Bumbo. I really really do.
Kim.
My thoughts and prayers go out to your friend and her family.
Lois
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