Go 'way, Mr. Marmalade

I went out to the stable the other day to feed my four lovely barn cats (they came with the place), only to find a giant, marmalade-coloured interloper in their midst. I was surprised, to say the least. My four kitties are mild-mannered, clean and friendly. This new kitty was big, dirty and looked like he knew cat-kwon-do.

He stared at me defiantly as I furrowed my brow and tried to figure out where he had come from and what I should do about it. In the end, I shrugged and scooped out the usual supply of Barn Cat kibble. They must know him, I thought, as my kitties meowed and prowled around my legs like Mr. Marmalade was no big deal. Maybe they invited him over for supper.

Well, the moment the kibble hit the plates, Mr. Marmalade barged right in, elbowed Comfort and Black Betty out of the way and began gobbling food like a garborator. The other cats philosphically left him alone and went around to the other plate of food. But Mr. M must have thought they were getting something tastier, because he flew over to THEIR plate, hip-checked them all out of the way and plunged into THEIR food like...well, like Neko.

I swear I could hear The Teenager sigh as she looked up at me with an exasperated expression and trudged back to the first plate again. Obviously, Mr. M. was not a guest my cats had intentionally invited. And his table manners left much to be desired. MY cats are mellow creatures who wait patiently for their food and eat it in delicate little crunchy bites. They love to be petted and stroked, and sometimes they even sit in my lap. Mr. M. looks freaked out if I try to come near him, and when I did manage to try and pet him, he shied away like a kid who doesn't want to be hugged.

So Mr. M. has got to go. He eats too much and doesn't want to make friends. He bullies my foursome of kitties and I don't like it. But herein lies the rub: how do I get rid of the creature? I have tried to shoo him away. He runs two feet and then stops, as if daring me to chase him. I have yelled at him, made weird noises, stomped my feet and threatened to let Neko finish him off - all to no avail. Mr. M. has established himself as the newest, greediest resident of Someday Farm and I have absolutely no idea how to get rid of him humanely.

Suggestions? Anyone?

Let it snow, let it snow, let it - HOLY CRAP!

I love snow. There, I said it. I'm not ashamed of it, either. So, nyah.

Usually when I say that sentence out loud to people, I get massive eye rolls and dirty looks. A lady actually shook her fist at me once. It's pretty rare that I get a "ME TOO!" or meet a fellow winter-lover who wants to high-five me.

I cannot understand folks who continue to live in Canada but moan and bitch for five solid months about winter. Some, like my wise older sis, recognize their aversion to white stuff and move somewhere warm, like Australia.

But all you winter whiners who stay put and poison my fun - you hate winter? You detest driving in slush? You like snow "at Christmas" and then want it all gone? Well, guess what? We live in CANADA and this is how it's been for eons. Better suck it up, snowflake, cause until global warming takes over, it ain't gonna change. Really don't like it? MOVE! Us winter-lovers will be happily rid of you.

Okay, I know moving isn't a particularly realistic solution, but I wish people would at least quit their constant complaining. Why moan about something that isn't going to change? Then again, a professor once told me that whinging about the weather "is part of our Canadian identity." I shudder to think that might be true.

At any rate, after two raw, blustery days here at Someday farm, the skies cleared around 10am this morning. Snow sparkled on the fields, every branch and berry on my ash tree was coated with dainty snow-lace, and the sun warmed my office through the south window. Winter heaven! Of course, that all changed at approximately 3:30pm, when the skies darkened and began to dump a fine, sugary snow that knocked off all the pretty, feathery stuff. I just checked the weather network and was informed that Bruce county will be having massive squalls all weekend - resulting in possible accumulations of 50 cm!!! Holy crap!

Sometimes one must be careful what one wishes for. But I'm quite content to put on my thickest coat, goofiest hat, and clunkiest boots to brave the snowbanks. There are barn cats to be fed, a winter-loving dog to walk and bird feeders to fill. Why fight winter? Embrace it and it just might grow on you. (Or at least it will fill up your mouth with snow so you can't complain anymore!)

5 things that tick me off

Yes, I know, positive thinking is ever so much hipper than a good 10 minutes of grousing, but if I see one more "you are your attitude" tagline on a co-worker's email signature I'm going to barf. So you know what? I'm going against all those happy-positive-things-to-be-grateful-for (sorry Jaime and Susan!) blogs I've been seeing lately and I'm gonna let loose and post five things that irritate me. Not that I have anything against happy, thankful blogs. Just think of it as me helping to create a bloggerland balance.

1) Saran wrap that gets hopelessly tangled in my hands. How it manages to do this in the 3 seconds between the moment I rip it off and the moment I want to attach it to my bowl of Jell-O/pasta salad/soup, I will never understand. Wretched stuff.

2) Alarm clocks where the snooze button can be hit endlessly. Not only is this feature counter-productive, it's damned annoying for the person who DOES NOT need to get up. I bought D one that has a three-snooze maximum. It has preserved our marriage.

3) Driving 15 minutes into town in the pouring rain to get a video, then driving 15 minutes back, popping some corn, getting snuggled up on the couch, pressing play...only to discover they've given you the wrong video.

4) Upsetting an entire cart full of milking machines (including a hot bucket of water, paper towels, a hoe and dog biscuits) into the manure-filled gutter because your brother-in-law hasn't put air in the tires.

5) Putting on your favourite K-Os CD in order to get you in the mood to cook a fabulous supper and hearing two of the best songs skip.

Ahhh, I feel much better now! You will, too, if you wanna share some of your tick-offs...

Three reasons why my husband rocks

1) He knew I'd have a difficult day yesterday, and called me twice just to say hi.
2) He went grocery shopping, walked the dog and did the dishes - just 'cause.
3) I opened the freezer today to find a whole rasher of BACON (my favourite dead animal, which D doesn't like) and the junk food cupboard to find a whole bag of CHEEZ DOODLES (he prefers ripple chips). It was like finding two separate notes that said, "Kim, I love you. I want you to be happy. And a little fatter."

So yeah, he's good. And handsome. And kind. And funny. What more could a girl ask for? I'm so glad I bought that black short dress yesterday with him in mind.

November Cheese

Ah, November. Month of damp, dank, dark days and frigid nights. Month of sleet, black ice and general moodiness. Month that could make you really hate the changing season were it not for Axl Rose and his silly, silly song, and his equally silly hair. Oh, the cheese! Please watch it. It will make you feel better, I promise.

Movies that make me laugh

Every now and again, I like to watch a movie that makes me laugh out loud. Usually, I prefer adventure/action/thriller types, but comedy definitely has its place. I watched "Run Fat Boy, Run" last night and it got me thinking about other movies that have made me snort pop out my nose.

Here's a quick list of some of my favourites. (Exercise caution whilst drinking pop and watching though!)

Austin Powers: Goldmember
I swear I have seen this movie about 14 times. TBS replayed it endlessly during the 6 months I lived with my brother-in-law, and every time it came on, I just had to watch. It's kind of like a car accident. The first time I saw it, I was at my Dad's cabin with my older sister from Australia. We howled and rolled on the floor and quoted lines to each other for months, even after she went back home. I sent her her very own copy last Christmas.

I think the best part of the whole movie is the rap sequence featuring Dr. Evil and Mini Me ("Mini Me, you complete me.") That and the drunken-Fred-Astaire-ish dance Dr. Evil does to "Under the Sea" on his submarine. And who doesn't love Michael Caine doing a little Brit schtick?

Yes, it's puerile humour. Yes, there are far too many fart jokes and yes, Fat Bastard is disgusting. But the movie makes me laugh myself silly, and really, isn't that worth something?

Hot Fuzz
In my books, Simon Pegg can do no wrong. He's like a little mongrel puppy that you can't stop yourself from picking up and taking home, even though he's kind of mangy. In most of his feature films, Pegg has this vulnerable loser goofiness going on. But in Hot Fuzz, I was taken by his tough-guy sexiness. He's as good playing the straight man as he is playing a doofus. Pair him with Nick Frost and it's comedy gold.

Shaun of the Dead is great, but it's got such a grisly darkness to it that I can't quite call it a comedy (I believe the formal term for it is "romantic zombie comedy -romzomcom"). So I recommend Hot Fuzz instead - it takes the piss out of all those 80's cop/buddy movies in a very amusing way. Watch it and you can thank me later for introducing you to Simon Pegg. Plus it makes chewing toothpicks look cool.

Grosse Point Blank
I can't resist films where John Cusack gets to be a little sexy. Normally his morose, hang-dog look turns me off, but in Grosse, it's mixed with a dash of danger (he's a contract killer) and that really works. I laugh at this one because it reminds me of my own 80's coming of age angst, the guys who disappointed me in high school and how I occasionally wonder what they're doing now. Everyone can likely relate to the horror of a high school reunion (or at the least the thought of one), a lost love, and getting a second chance.

I enjoy action movies so this one has a special place in my heart cause it combines the best bits of action & comedy into one glorious movie. Lots of great appearances by funny folks (Jeremy Piven, Alan Arkin, Joan Cusack, Hank Azaria). Pay special attention to the fight-to-the-death scene by the lockers, and, of course, deadpan Dan Akroyd's cameo.

Best in Show
Maybe you have to be a dog lover to enjoy this movie about crazy dog owners competing against each other to win a prestigious dog show, but I think the subtle, often clever humour will appeal to everyone. Christopher Guest is famous for mocking everything, and he works his sly magic with the often-bizzaro world of show dogs too. Lots of Canadian talent in this film. Watch it - if for no other reason than to giggle at Fred Willard as irreverent show commentator Buck Laughlin.

So...what's your favourite comedy?

Post-Hallowe'en Blues

On Friday, I discovered that Hallowe'en in the country is a vastly different holiday than Hallowe'en in the city.

I dressed up (in all my Asian finery, as "Miss Sweet n' Sour"), decorated the back entrance with my Mom's 1970's bizzaro candles and plastic pumpkin heads, and made up goodie bags of all the finest candy I could find at the Bulk Barn. I even carved a pumpkin, roasted the seeds, etc. And what did I get? TWO MEASLY KIDS. TWO. THAT'S IT!!! Oh sure, they were cute (a horsie and a dragon) and I'm glad D's cousin brought them by, but still...TWO KIDS???

Humph.

I drank a lot of Coke and viciously crunched every single pumpkin seed between my teeth as the minutes ticked by and no other kids came calling. Thankfully, D showed up after chores carrying a bag of treats from his Mom (who didn't have ANY kids come to her place!!! And she was handing out POP and CHIPS for pete's sake! In my youth I would have walked across town for a lady who was handing out pop!). He told me I looked beautiful in my costume and started feeding me chocolate. He is a wise man.

At least I kept my word and dressed Neko up
. But it was the saddest Hallowe'en on record in my books. I guess country kids have to depend on parents willing to cart them around from concession to concession. I forget how easy city kids have it, marching door to door and loading up on stuff after only 15 minutes of walking.

I guess next year I'm going to have to advertise early to all the little cousins and friends and neighbours who are of trick-or-treating age. I might even coax D to set up some sort of "Haunted Barn" or something to lure the kiddies to our door. But trust me - I swear by this blog that next year, we will get more than 2 kids, even if I have to drag them in from the city!